Gay TV!

The Saga Continues…

Gay TV!

 By Nevin Jefferson

Here! TV and DIRECTV are rolling out a new subscription channel on Wednesday. By offering a subscription service 12 hours a day, seven days a week, reaching DIRECTV’s audience of 13.5 million, here! TV will become the nation’s first all gay and lesbian channel, getting a jump on MTV’s upcoming Logo channel by just a few months. Here! TV has already built up brand awareness by providing pay-per-view service in four-hour programming blocks or on a monthly subscription basis. On Wednesday, here! TV will offer the 12-hour programming on DIRECTV channel 190.For the first year, here! TV will offer a mix of 25 percent original and 75 percent acquired content. Stephen Macias, spokesman for here! TV, said some original programming will include genre films, such as mysteries or thrillers, but with a gay hero or heroine. Planned content includes the upcoming adventure film “Deadly Skies,” starring Antonio Sabato Jr., and “Here Family,” a newsmagazine about the complexity of families today. The company also offers a wide spectrum of local marketing support, including local film festival sponsorships, targeted mailings, community events and giveaway promotions. Such marketing efforts suggest that here! TV plans to aggressively court the gay and lesbian consumer market, currently estimated at $450 billion. Many of the feature films will come from licensing deals here! TV has made with TLA Releasing, Wolfe Video, Strand Releasing and Regent Worldwide Sales, giving the channel access to nearly 200 GLBT independent titles. If here! TV’s strategy pays off, it will also be a boon for independent filmmakers who want to expand their audiences beyond the art house or festival circuit. Macias added that, although there will be programming overlap with Logo, the 24/7 LGBT network to be launched by MTV in February, the subscription-based model of here! TV will allow it to be more risqué without offending advertisers. With a $450 billion market in the GLBT community, Advertisers should be worried about offending us! Remember that money talks and bulls**t runs a marathon! The advertiser-supported Logo will be available on cable systems in Los Angeles, New York, Atlanta, Boston, Philadelphia and San Francisco, reaching 10-14 million homes by the end of 2005. In addition, Logo plans to offer a companion subscription video-on-demand service. Isn’t this just marvelous? Hopefully this will give “OUT” gay actors the work that they need to perfect their craft. It would also strengthen our recognition nationwide. Knowing the creative factor in the minds of my fellow gay writers, it’ll be amusing if anything else. I tossed my ideas to the Executives at here! TV and got tossed out of the door. The nerve! Here’s a sampling of what will be coming through the airwaves for Mr. & Ms. Gay America’s entertainment pleasure. Let‘s tune in! Drag Queen of the Month Club- sponsored in part by Acme duck tape; Wearing their finest evening gowns, D-Q’s lip synch and answer “the” question to win a month of luxury. This includes shopping sprees at K-Mart’s going out of business sale, an expired coupon from Victoria’s Secret, a make-over at a spa that‘s pending lawsuits, Brunch with their friends at Mc Donald’s, un-valuable prizes and no cash. The Executive Producers came into the harsh reality that they neglected to keep in mind at the next shooting. It was the fact that no self-respecting Queen gives back a tiara or gives up a title. Things became quite nasty and brutal when the previous winner had to relinquish the crown. Things became more complicated when it was discovered that the winner had the tiara glued to her scalp. At press time the previous winner was recovering well after having it snatched from her head by the current winner. Bowling 4 Dishes- Sponsored in part by Chinet; Bowlers from gay leagues nationwide compete for the China of their choice from the Bon. To keep things interesting, the games are bowled on bad lanes with faulty facilities. If a bowler misses a spare, they lose a plate. If they blow a strike they lose the cups and saucers. If a contestant bowls a “Turkey”, that’s 3 strikes in a roll for non-bowling fans. The winner gets a spray painted gold platter and a Butterball turkey to serve it on. The runner-ups get a lifetime supply of Chinet with matching plastic ware. The Blonde Files-Sponsored in part by Clorox; True life accounts of real Blondes with viewers casting their vote for “Dumbest Blonde”. The Season Premier features a blonde who nearly drowns during a breast stroke competition. She later complains that the other contestants cheated because they used their arms. This is followed by the blonde reads “shake well” on a bottle. Then shakes herself into a series of seizures that bring on dizzy spells. Not to be outdone, the next segment is about a blonde who takes a book to bed at night and colors! For animal lovers there’s the segment about a blonde coyote who chews off three of his legs after getting caught in a trap. Mr. Plumber- Sponsored in part by Trojan; Josephine’s son snakes his way through Gay Valley. Equipped for all plumbing problems, he unclogs, connects pipes with the aide of the 69’er method, un-tightens canals, and relives built up fluid pressure. After rendering his services, he flushes his condom to The Tidy Bowl Man who thanks him for practicing safe sex. Beaverton-Sponsored in part by Kotex; A Lesbian soap opera that takes place in Pussy Meadows. It’s a town where good vibrations buzz in the bedrooms, flannel shirts are out and work shirts are in, where there are more Barber shops than Hair Salons, and where trucks and bikes rule. The first storyline unfolds as the town’s Butch Dykes sneak off to another county where they try on dresses at J.C. Penny’s. Meanwhile back in town, the Fem Fatales plan their annual “Latex Toys 4 Dykes” drive. At the town’s gym while showering, two of the town’s leading dykes discover that there’re both men pretending to be dykes. Gays of Our Lives-Sponsored in part by Acme Tissues; The storylines are true life adventures and encounters of gays and lesbians everywhere. At the private screenings gays and lesbians found the show to be too revealing and accused the Producers of selling out. The lesbian audience trashed the studio only to have damage control on the spot with the studio being completely redecorated by several of the “Girls and Studs” at the screening. Mr. And Mrs. Straight America didn’t get it at all! They found it hard to believe that a person could go through the personal and emotional trauma, ignorance towards them, hatred, oppression, ridicule, and annihilation. And still be happy! They couldn’t believe that a person or persons could go through so much and still skip merrily along. The Dumping Zone-Sponsored in part by Acme Dating Service; No, this isn’t a Science Show about bodily functions. It’s a show where Queens, Studs, and Dykes share the horrors of being unjustly dumped and made a complete fool out of. Several are victims of the old “F–k and Dump” tactic. They were all led to believe that they were the only one and their love would last forever. They tell their story to the Dumped Panel who have been there, had that, and still have the emotional scars. The panel decides if they were unjustly dumped or not with the ultimate punishment being issued. The Dumpees get their day by throwing a cream filled pie into the Dumpers face. One bitter and distraught Dumpee smuggled in a pie filled with cement. At press time, the Dumper was still slipping in and out of a coma. The Bong Show- Sponsored in part by Hemp; A richly high experience where you can buy bongs and other cute gadgets for pot lovers all over. 1616 Dysfunctional Ave.-Sponsored in part by Willie Cheetem Anne Howe Inc.; Family misadventures about an idiot who steals his way into office, his idiot wife who married him because prior to their marriage, everybody had her and didn’t want her any more, and their alcoholic daughters who have yet to see a sober day in their lives. “Lush Life” is their favorite song and goal in life. In the opening episode, the Chief of Staff tells his Boss to choke on a pretzel. And he does! The Bitch_N Room-Sponsored in part by Acme Aspirin; A room full of Queens bitching about anybody and everything with no solutions to the issues at bitch. A lot of over talking one another with listening not being one of the required elements. It’s rumored that during the first show the original host hung himself as the show went into the first the commercial break. So, now you’ll be able to enjoy really, really, really, gay television and feel proud about it. The programming is subject to change due to public outrage to those who are sensitive about their viewing habits.

© Nevin Jefferson, All Rights Reserved


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