The Saga Continues….
Gay Divorce Court!
By Nevin Jefferson
The first official Gay divorce has been announced with sobs and gasps being heard loud worldwide. This is tragic, but historical at the same time. It’s also hysterical because we are talking about a gay divorce after all. This is an official divorce, the real Mc Coy between two lesbians who are fighting tooth and nail other their extensive dildo collection. If they counted unofficial Gay divorces, they’d be counting from now on. And you know it! A love that was thought to be one to last forever didn’t make it from happy ending to new beginning. DAMN! We now have one failed marriage on the docket to prove to Mr. And Mrs. Straightville that relationship wise, we’re no different than they are in that department. With one gay divorce pending our official rate is way lower than theirs. Which makes them look like the ones who are incapable of having a relationship that’s withstanding. My regrets go to the now unhappy couple who continued a love to a stage where we dream of appearing on. And are now exiting into a bitter custody battle over the truck, beer mug collection, pets, flannel shirts, boxer shorts, and the first season of “The L Word” on CD. My regrets also go out to their family and friends who are now caught in the middle making them children of divorce. It’s a thin line between line and hate with these poor souls being made to choose sides. Since the couple is miserable, why should anyone else be happy? There’s nothing worse than a love gone wrong then becoming an ex-factor in someone’s life. There’s a huge hole in your heart that feels like it’s been drop kicked in Texas. Reasons why love turns to hate with a bitter aftermath of the failed fact are numerous. It’s painful when Fluffy doesn’t want to play with Muffy anymore. Or when gravity stops working on your Mr. Universe who was once the King of your galaxy. It’s all over when the cupcakes that made your mouth water are now pound cakes. Your sweet for the sweets turns sour when you catch your ex in bed with a twinkie (and not the one that Hostess makes!) It’s sad when the apple of your eye turns rotten to the core with a coiled worm around it. It’s postal when you want to put your mate in a crate and ship them far away as possible. With no return postage! It’s pathetic when the love that once gave you a warm feeling inside chills you to the bone. It’s time to say; “bye-bye” when the person who used to make you happy now has you depressed and on prozac. You know it’s over when the joyful feeling begins to feel like a long, suffering, agonizing death. It’s time to break out the Malox when the “hot dish” of your life gives you heartburn and indigestion. Then there’s when the sweet sayings in passing go from “I LOVE YOU” to “F**K OFF!” You know that it’s over when you find yourself throwing a barstool through the juke-box because someone selected “your” song. Love don’t live within you when you find yourself cussing out love songs being played on the radio or anywhere else. It’s time to pack the bags and say good-bye, and if there’s community property involved neither one is stepping one foot outside of the door. Rather than pay high rent, you make life a living hell for your roommate who was once your lover. You get into things like donating all of their belongings to Goodwill, dueling lock changing, cooking with cyanide and other fine poisons. putting a security block on their favorite cable stations, and the ever popular hiding the remote control trick. Then let’s not forget leaving their cell phone near an High School. Kids love to talk as long as the minutes aren’t on them. Yes, girls and studs we go through the same hell that breeders do in a relationship. Breaking up is a bitch to do! Can you imagine a Gay Divorce Court televised in America? It’s frightening! It would be vicious, brutal, and malicious, with the main objective being to destroy your ex. No self -respecting Dyke is going to let some bitch stroll into the courtroom with her ex-chick. There wouldn’t be anything left of the person once the bailiffs put a stop to the “Best in Ass Kicking.” Don King could make a fortune if he hung out in Gay Divorce Courts. He would! And you know it’s true. The same would hold true for the ex-best friend who strolls into the court room as the ex’s new piece. There’s nothing worse than a Queen scorned, so you know that this won’t be pretty! Drama Queens would play it to the hilt with the viewer’s wringing out their hankies during the commercial breaks. This would also reclaim our original ownership of this slang word that the folks in Breederville are wearing out rapidly. Then there would be cases with shock galore like the Shepherd whose work keeps following him home. The partners who insist on having more sex, with other people! The Lesbian who doesn’t believe in spooning and like to fork instead. The lonely Gay Guy who thinks that his relationship with a blow-up doll is deflating. The Drag Queen who insists that her ex simply married her for her gowns (it’ll be revealed later that the guy in question is straight and a secret cross dresser. He also denies being gay, he married a woman with a large clitoris). The Hairdresser who accuses his ex of sabotaging his business by putting Nair in the shampoo products. The Gay Cop who complains that his marriage was a bust from the start. The Gay Fireman who complains that there aren’t any sparks left in his marriage. The Gay Baker who doesn’t get a rise out of his marriage any longer. The Gay Electrician who gets no charge out of his marriage. The Gay Movie Director who gets no action in the bedroom and yells “Wrap! It’s finished!” The Gay Boxer who throws in the towel on his marriage. The Gay Track Star who runs out on his marriage. Then there would be cruel and unusual diss-ing of the serious kind. Stand Up Comedians could make their routines from these soon to be famous cases. Me? Personally, I’d be polite about the whole ordeal. I would ask the party of my last mistake if he needed anything else taken to the cleaners since I’m already taking him. I would testify that loving the man was like a battle leaving me shell shocked and with scars. I would then go on to say that I was out of my right mind when I married the man. Now, that I’m back in my right mind, I want out. NOW! It would be at this point in the court trail that my ex’s lawyer advises his client to drop his pants and drawers because he’s about to be seriously screwed. The ratings would be the best ever with my getting my own series out of the deal. Then I’d write a Saga about the whole ordeal and be over it completely. But in order for all of this to happen, we have to get the right to marry in order to go through the hells of divorce.
© Nevin Jefferson, All Rights Reserved