Straight From D Hard!
By Nevin Jefferson
My best friend of 24 years confided in me about a problem that he’s been experiencing lately. I’ve been hearing the same moans, groans, complaints, and boo-hoo’s from many people. With my best friend, he wants an answer and he wanted it yesterday! In the development of strange in the Land of Queerdom, it seems that men are saying, “I love you” way too early in the spectrum of things. My friend feels that the person doesn’t know him completely as a person yet nor does the person know that much about him to say that they love him. He questions the person who states this acclamation of affection and desire with his throwing the person out afterwards. The other problem is that once he has sex with the person they become obsessive and possessive. Not to mention demanding his full attention, closing him off from his social contacts while questioning his friendships with others. Things got to the point where my friend and his now ex were out at a bar and the guy went ballistic when my friend started a conversation with an old acquaintance. The guy, who isn’t a memory to my friend at this point in time, announced to the entire bar that my friend was his and nobodies else and that he belonged to him. During their brief courtship the guy kept professing his undying love to my friend who “liked” the guy with nothing more to add to it. I was asked to give the perfect answer and reaction when somebody blinds sides you with “I love you” after two weeks. I told him to tell the person “I’m very fond of you” or “I like you a lot” then look the person directly in the eyes and make the suggestion that they take it slow. After a series of “I love you” encounters my best friend stopped dating for an entire year with getting close with a man being the last thing on his mind. If someone asked him out, he’d cuss the person out! It wasn’t Blue Skies or Rainbows during this exile from the romance department. My friend braved the storm and accepted a date from a guy whom he’d known for a while and felt comfortable being around. It was also one of the ill-fated guys who had asked him out earlier and got called every name but the one his mother gave him. After a night of passion, the guy rolls over and says; “I love you!” My friend sat up in bed and lit a cigarette and responded with; “Get your ass out of that door!” Now my best friend wants me to explain to him why men act this way. Why say “I love you” when you really don’t know the person well enough to love them? Why do men act obsessive, jealous, and possessive after having sex with you? The rest of my camp wants to know the answer to this as well with my answer better being the one that they want to hear while helping them understand this situation. There is an answer to dealing with a person who humiliates you in public, tries to breakup your friendships, has jealous rages, and is obsessive towards you. Exit stage left! It could be a great many of things that causes a person to blurt out those three magic words to some and a death sentence to others. There’s love at first sight. But, this should be a mutual feeling between the two parties involved. You and the other person know exactly what you’re feeling and to deny it would be painful. You go with what you feel and take it from there ignoring all comments from the peanut gallery. The feeling is too powerful to fight, so you surrender to love not thinking about the “what ifs” you go with the “what is”. This is a rarity in the Gay Community because the chances for personal contact are far and few between. Most people don’t go out and don’t have a clue where to go to meet someone in a wider range. Some go out and aren’t pleased what’s “out there” and decide to settle for what is available. This is why a vast majority of us are alone and love living single. These are the ones who opt for the day when they turn around and there he is standing before you, staring you in the eyes, refusing to move or give ground. He wants to relate and he wants to relate with you and only you. He’s not going anywhere, he wants to be with you and he’s going to be with you. Until then, you hold this fantasy and vision close to heart determined to go it alone instead of settling. There’s the chance that the sex was good and the person locks the act with this line as the key to his getting back in. There’s the chance that the person thinks that it’s expected of him/her to say this because this is what the person wants to hear. After being single for an extended period of time, a person can do too much, too fast, too soon with the three becoming overkill and bring things to a screeching halt. The same can be said for a person looking too hard for someone while overlooking the big picture. Instead of meeting a person as a potential friend, it’s with the intention of them becoming your lover. Why can’t you meet a person as the person they are instead of as relationship material? The focus is on a relationship with the option of friendship not coming into mind. When someone come along who has the just enough but not enough qualities that you’re looking for in a mate, common sense goes out of the window. It’s easy to try to turn something into what it isn‘t when the other option is being alone. Thanks to movies, television, romance novels and love songs a person feels that they have to be in a relationship in order to be complete. Today’s norm is having a commitment and having a family with family orientation being etched in your mind. Then there’s the fear of commitment, Aids, rejection, and the hurts and haunts from your past that makes one close him/her self off and refuse to trust anyone let alone open up to let a person into their lives. This is why some people cling on to the first person that comes along and force a relationship because its what they think they truly want and need. Life is experimental and experiments need the right formula in order to work and formulate the right results. Often than most, the experiment blows up in your face and its back to the drawing board. Things happen in stages with levels being reached before moving onward. Stage one is getting to know the person without picking him/her apart while making mental notes. Accept a person as they are don’t make demands or try to change them. Something attracts you to a person stick with that attraction. Stage two is doing things with the person and getting to enjoy that person’s company. If something is there you’ll know it, if not you’ll have a good friend. If something is there and the feeling is mutual, you pursue with the greatest of ease. Sex throws everything out of whack, me? I confuse sex with love very easily and am guilty of saying; “I love you” way before its time. I can see how a person can feel trapped by this statement especially if the chemistry isn’t there. This is when the person whistles, “Thanks for the Memories” as they leave out of the door. Stage three is when you do decide to have sex with person. The feelings are there and its more than just for the sake of having sex or the thrill of it all. It’s relating sexually and coming together as one which makes a great romance. Can you relate?
© Nevin Jefferson, All Rights Reserved