D Best Of…The Saga Continues…. Hold The Sex!
By Nevin Jefferson
In the beginning, being gay was strictly sex with the person going back into the safe environment of their daily routine. In the beginning, sex was the main objective without any strings or attachments. In the beginning, it was purely sexual intent. In the beginning gay life was totally gay sex with the other attributes and positives being overlooked. In the beginning, f**k buddies were the norm with your address book being listings for dial a tramp! Men didn’t call men that they were interested in; they picked them up, screwed ’em and moved on. A man didn’t take another man to dinner; he took him to bed. Men didn’t buy another man flowers. Men didn’t go out on dates nor dare take a chance on being seen in public displaying affection for another man. Men didn’t dare want to be seen in public with an effeminate man. Only in a dark confine with the guy bend over grabbing his ankles or on his knees. Men didn’t send “Thinking of You” cards or write poetry to someone that they liked. No romance, no passion, no involvement other than getting it on. Men didn’t do these kinds of things with another man. The common bond was sex and strictly sex with everything else being bypassed and leaped over. There were no Standards, Morals, or Principles. A weekend was measured by how many tricks a person had. Sexually incompatible tricks became friends because they were the only gay contact that you had. Then there was Aids wiping out a vast majority of the gay community and leaving a giant void in the gay population. In the now, Aids still has a stronghold with a new epidemic on uprising. In the now, there’s a STD epidemic with new cases rising nationwide with a panic alert in California. In the face of this, some people forgo safe and safer sex practice in lieu of lust. In the now, some people believe that being committed is for insane and continue to screw for fun. In the now, responsibility of one’s self is a joke with a person’s HIV status being the punch line. It’s enough to make one keep their mouth and legs shut closing down all sexual operations. For some, it is! Now there’s Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous where members want to be able to date and have a relationship. Now there’s Born Again Virgins! Born again virgins are making a strong presence in the gay community and straight world alike. They had the sex with the limited thrills and are now getting with the program. They’re over it! No sexual intent! No sexual desire! No sexual gain! There’s a strong desire for romance, courtship, passion, and getting to know the person. There’s a strong desire to date and get into a relationship. There’s a strong desire to make love with that special person with all of the elements in play. Until, that time arrives celibacy is the norm while getting into one’s self via professional help, prayer, and meditation being above the norm. A gay male in his 50’s has been celibate for the past 20 years because while out cruising one weekend he realized that he had slept with everyone in all of the bars that he went to for one-night stands. He was well known at the baths becoming a legend in the steam room with his room being the one to be invited into. He knew what rest stops to go to as well as what restrooms in stores and office buildings along with the timeframes and days. A stroll through the park included blowjobs and hot screws behind trees and brushes. He came to the conclusion that if this was being Queer; he didn’t like the emotional stress and guilt that went along with the membership. He felt like used flesh without an ounce of pride or self-respect left to his name, which he never gave out. During his quest for help, he ended up in a help group sponsored by a Church of man. He became a member and his head has been screwed up beyond repair ever since then. He believes that its wrong for a man to love another man like a man and woman do. This rules out dating and relationships. Had he gone to a Church of God, his life would be anew. Now, he stays at home and watches television, reads, cooks wonderful dinners, and gets off with porn. A gay male who claims to be 37 and is sticking to this age, took me back to the dark days of Seattle. He took in the all male cast flicks at the Sultan Lavender Cinema where leg rubbing with a hand on the thigh of the person sitting next to you took place off of the screen. You lit a cigarette to burn those who you didn’t want to be bothered with. There was a room in the back with a stained mattress on the floor. This is where the married businessmen and macho men with girlfriends spent their lunch hour. This is also where they really were working late at when they claimed that they were still at the office. He was a regular at Tubbs where the world of dirty and raunchy sex was one that he became a part of. Volunteer Park was the last desperate measure in getting some action for the evening. He remembers when Harborview Hospital was the only VD clinic in town and he was there every week. Hating the whore that he had become he closed down shop for 3 ½ years. He wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with someone whom he could go through all of the steps that he had skipped. He met someone whom he shared a long, loving, relationship with his opting for this way of life. Now, he single with dating and a monogamous relationship still in his cards. So, far the wait has been 12 years and hopefully un-counting. I asked a Gay male who’s slowly approaching his forties for his insight, logic, and reasoning for a stronger viewpoint on this topic. He answered accordingly; “I’ve been choosing not to be sexually active for the past five years or so for several reasons. One was to get control of MY life, not force my life to be as the Gay media and Gay culture tell me it should be.” By this he meant how the Gay media show sleek, young, white, hairless boys as the “Gay ideal” which isn’t his idea at all. The fashion and labels, drugs, partying, and having a sharp catty tongue while slutting around. This image in color and in black and white print became an empty, lonely, and cheap reality. When the Gay media became about itself with self-absorbed views, no morals, principles, or guidelines to follow, they became uncaring about the Gay community that it set out to inform. The big negative stereotype was typed out with photographs for a graphic effect with the big negative being born in print. Informative, Inspiring, Uplifting, and excellent journalism died in the pages of today’s Gay media. You can’t call it your own nor can you relate to it. Its sole purpose is to poison the minds of the Gay community. Not, to worry gang, there is strong, powerful, provocative, ground breaking journalism on the Internet. A lot of great talent that been going to waste have now found a home and a place that makes you feel like a member of their new home. There’s also The Seattle Gay News who refuses to sellout to Corporate America where you write what you’re told to print and press releases that don’t get assigned to writers to make it more informative, educational, amusing, and entertaining with news value. They’re ran the way that they’re sent in for publication plain and dry. It’s all about making a profit, not making the Gay community a better place with good media to reference to. There’s money in the Gay media and Corporate America is raking in the profits at our expense. “I was going crazy trying to land that boyfriend/husband that I thought would make me the happy homosexual. For a while there I was giving myself away to men who expressed an interest in ME but when the sex got boring for them they got weird and that would be that. I wanted heart, they wanted dick. I also chose to give sex a break because I wanted to return to my religious roots once again and re-find that sort of “innocent or “child-like” part of me that was there before I entered the world of Gay 15 years ago. My self-esteem was slipping due to the failure of three significant relationships…all based on sex right off the bat and my failure to find the happiness and validation I was seeking in the casual sex life. See, this is what endless casual sex can do to you-shoot a hole right in your self-esteem because you’re made to feel “not good enough” if you aren’t some good looking porno sex star who is every man’s ideal-and being rejected can make you feel that if you’re not wanted for sex, you must not be wanted for anything-that you’re unattractive, or your body is yuck, or something WRONG. I guess overall, I got to feeling like I was letting myself be used by others for their pleasure while I walked away feeling like I needed something more and I got tired of it. I think this happens to lots of Gay men in their 20’s and 30’s who are wanted for their youthful looks and raging young hardons, but as you get older the men begin to stop drooling over you as much because you have a wrinkle or some gray hair or a little belly-or because they realize you’re not a kid anymore and probably won’t be as easy to mold like clay therefore not so fast to give THEM what THEY want. Then there are various STD’s out there that I just don’t want in my life now that I’m pushing 40.” And last and not least, I found a “real” virgin who has never been touched for the first time. “I could go out and have one night stands like I see most people doing while I’m out. But, I want more than sex! I want to know the person by spending time with him and enjoying our interests together. I want someone to wakeup next to in the morning. I want relationship that can only happen by dating and living out the romantic fantasy that you see in the movies and on television. The kind that you read about in romance novels with love being the center scope, not sex. I’m 25 now and my hormones stopped going crazy with the need for sex not being a major need for me. The people that are out don’t interest me and with the majority of Gay men being closeted and trapped inside the fear, shame, and ridicule, there’s basically no one out there for me. I don’t know that many Gay men and the ones that I do know are just friends. Most of the men that I’ve come into contact with just want me for sex. I want something meaningful, solid, and the spiritual connection that brings two half souls together making them one. I’m a Shepard tending sheep and one day “my” lost sheep will join me and help me tend to the Lord’s flock. I had a religious upbringing that taught me that it was wrong for a man to love another man or have sex with another man. Once I got rid of these emotional demons, I realized that it wasn’t wrong. It was a way of my life. I want more than the sexual aspect that’s the primary concern to most Gay men. ” There are virgins among us who lead interesting lives and don’t need a man to make them feel whole and complete. They accomplish this on their own while becoming more into their own person. They don’t want sex, they want to express their feelings and emotions through lovemaking that’s love between two people becoming whole as one.
© Nevin Jefferson, All Rights Reserved